Love, leaving...?

I feel that since I arrived, I haven't been able to turn out anything of substance for this blog. The truth, however, is that I've made some pretty substantial realizations. And I want them so badly to be untrue, so I'm just trying to wait it out... but, only time can let me know if what's in my heart is going to last.

I haven't used any Chinese in days, besides a few necessary phrases. And I don't want to. Of course it's a useful language, but it just isn't one I can fall in love with. Not to mention, being in yet another place (among so, so many) in which no one speaks the standard dialect just hinders my learning. Though I did come here to try to understand language holistically, my frustration is beyond crippling. My entire being is resisting the environment. 

I need to leave Chengdu.

I did speak to someone over the past couple days that's given me the best advice I've heard from anyone outside of myself, that actually inspires me to use my being here to recognize as many opportunities as possible. The opportunities that I will never have at home, the things I can never accomplish even for myself. I've become such a fragmented being in this place, it never once occurred to me to pursue my other joys while I'm here. En route, I somehow managed to change from a costume-designing, somewhat broke eccentric with an intrigue for performance art, into a laowai. It's what defines me here. And the more I focus on the fact that such a status is being ascribed to me (and I hate it), the more I actually become it.   

I guess I need to somehow say: Yes, I'm a foreigner in another country. But I am so much more, and as much as I need to learn about myself, I can't forget that simple fact.

Also, I got a few comments on one of my last posts that I appreciate, but unfortunately can't respond to. Feel free to call/text me if you're in Chengdu: 18081122542.