On the bright side.

Today I got home at around 8am. I had a lot of fun last night, partying, dancing, drinking tea and 红牛. I've been spending a lot of time out just because my living situation has been so uncomfortable. And, when I got back I found my reservation ended today... plus all the rooms were booked for the Chinese holiday (that I forget the name of). What I thought was me potentially being homeless for two days was actually a blessing in disguise. I'm now in a private room for 50rmb a night just upstairs in the hotel portion of the Chengdu Traffic Inn. That's only 5 rmb more than what I was paying... so you have no idea how pissed and relieved I was to find they had a room. Dear sweet baby Jesus furreal man.   

So, I know I'm backed up on pictures, but I'm going to have way more time to sit down and edit soon. I'm probably going to stay here a couple more nights -- if possible -- but the good news is I'm looking for an apartment. One of the girls that works here (Lina) is really tired of not having any privacy despite living here for free. So I completely relate, and we're going to look at a place in a few hours. 

So, yay. :)  

Same shit, different day.

So apparently, to some people here, it's "just a fact" that black women aren't attractive. I mean, everyone knows/would agree, so come on -- what is there to be upset about? I don't *look* black, after all. So I really shouldn't be offended. 

It's shit like this that makes me feel really very isolated here. Shit like this I'd like to leave at home. A lot of people reading my blog have been doing so for a long time, and know the shit I've seen and experienced here. But the disappointment doesn't change. When my cousin decided black women "weren't on his level," I was angry and disappointed to be related to someone with such blatant self-hatred. When one of my new classmates last year at Sichuan University decided to tell me all the reasons he dislikes black people, it hurt and flabbergasted me. And hearing this, same shit in a different form... It never stops hurting.     

I know I look safe. But really. I'm tired of people using me to test out "nigger" on. Just to see how I respond. I'm tired of people trying to white-bond with me. Tired of people trying to tell me the cultural isolation that I've witnessed and experienced at home is chosen. Just ignore our offensive garble and we can all just get along, right? Just like before, huh? I am not obligated to listen to anyone's idiocy just because I don't "look black." I really love my family, and the insight it's given me. I wouldn't change anything about myself. But I'm not having any more conversations with non-blacks about black people anymore. I don't owe it to anyone. Next time I hear something so demeaning, I'm just walking away. And I pray it doesn't persist. 

Advi de zhaopian. 

Modeling in Sichuan.

I went to my first fashion show yesterday. I thought it was going to be easy - a 1 or 2 hour bus ride, quick in-and-out at some party, and then back home.

Nah. 

I was on a bus for 4+ hours just to get to this thing. The bus was overcrowded, and some people had to stand. The A/C worked intermittently, and the seats were rusted and filthy. Some people had B.O. that drifted in my direction every so often. Still, I mostly slept.

When I got to this thing, it seemed to be an opening party for a new apartment complex (that wasn't yet finished). There were dancers, a band, and four other models. Of them, I'm the shortest (175 vs. general 180cm) and probably least European looking. I also can't do runway. But you know what? It didn't really matter.

All of the foreigners performing last night were the least talented people there (though I will provide a quick slam to the Chinese dancers absolutely destroying the can-can). You can't sing? No problem -- we just need a foreigner to fill a quota/somehow express uppity social status. 

I can't even call catwalking a performance. If anything, have a damn pageant or something.     

Jellyfish, heh.

Ridiculous KTV (Million International Club).

Bah.

My laptop fell out of my locker, about 3.5 feet to the floor. The click buttons are kind of screwed up, and the corners have split/bent open along the edge. I need to go buy some duct tape, heh. 

Grimace...

Sometimes I'm just flat-out overwhelmed by how fucking selfish people are here... Ugh.

Disgust. 

Awful Photoshop

I would like to take the time to showcase this awful bit of propaganda that's been PSed to look like Chinese protesters were burning an American flag. Here's the source. ...srsly, wtf. 

Mudken Incident

September 18th was the anniversary of the Mudken Incident, an event staged by the Japanese military as a pretext for invasion. To mark the day, sirens were blared for around 30-40 minutes.

It was really quite haunting... I've never heard anything like it before, and my Israeli dorm-mate had to verify to me that it was actually sirens. It really does fill you with a deep sense of impending horror.

I can understand why anti-Japanese sentiment exists... they were absolutely brutal, a force to be reckoned with. Every movie rendition and historical fact can attest to that. Though they persist in denying the atrocities of the past, I still fail to see why it's useful to loathe Japan now. They have no military, they aren't a true threat any longer... and they don't act like North Korea. This idiocy (the destruction of Japanese cars and Hello Kittys, wtf, my friend's motorcycle getting knocked over/scratched) just frustrates me.

But it really should die down soon.

Chengdu's Chunxi Lu. 

Ito Yokado department store. 

Bikes and New Tutors.

I saw a man on a bike get hit by a car today... it was pretty awful.
The air filled with the smell of Chinese alcohol.

My first instinct was to run up and help the man, but I held back and
just watched. The driver got out of the car, helped him up, gave him
money, and the man was able to just walk away (sans his bottle). I've
never really seen anything like that before, but it freaked me out.
I'm glad no one died/ran away... I feel much safer just being a
pedestrian.


Anyway.

Just the hour prior, I was meeting with a Chinese tutor. I'm excited
to have met with her; she really knows what she's doing. I really feel
like I can improve... so maybe I'll start blogging in Chinese.

There is hope!

I'm happy.

But I also miss my doggie.

Mianzi, Egypt, Libya.

For some reason I can't access the wireless on the second floor, or in
my room. It's becoming quite agitating, since no one else seems to be
having a problem. What could it possibly be at this point, that makes
my laptop so different? It knows there are networks, and the signal is
good, but it just won't connect for some reason.

Anyway... I went to Luodai (Ancient Town) yesterday. It was
emotionally taxing, because I got lost, had to call a friend to speak
Sichuanhua for me, and it was just extremely humiliating and
embarrassing, to the point of tears. My question is, who in this
country is worthy of keeping their face? Because I'm doubting it's
foreigners... sigh.

Anyway, just read an article on the anti-U.S. protests in Egypt and
Libya and saw this:

"'I just want to say, how would the Americans feel if films insulting
leading Christian figures like the pope or historical figures like
Abraham Lincoln were produced?'"

Would such insults include Jesus Christ Superstar? Or Abraham Lincoln:
Vampire Hunter? Does it take likening someone to a child molester or
rapist? Because as an American, I could certainly care less what you
say about Jesus... I'm not Christian. And I could certainly care less
about Lincoln; I didn't know the man. In the ways he affected me most,
his intentions weren't the most pure. Why not just focus the tirades
against White (Conservative, Right Wing/Supremacist) America? Because
there is clearly no parallel here to the prophet Mohammed.

If there were, maybe such idiocy wouldn't bubble up so constantly...
really, wtf America. Have some Goddamn common sense already. You put
so many people in danger with your callous bullshit.

Chengdu Traffic Inn (again).

Last night, I got the worst sleep since I came to Chengdu. I couldn't even sit still on my bed without it creaking. Everyone else's beds were creaking, and one guy was snoring so damn loud... Everyone decided to start getting up around 7am, shuffling about and knocking into things, and creaking. Then people started filling the hallways fucking yelling their conversations. It made me so angry I started cussing aloud in my half-conscious state (someone stopped shuffling when they heard me and became much more quiet).

I was so desperate to leave... and now I'm at Chengdu Traffic Inn, the first place I ever stayed in CD. SO much more comfortable, the beds aren't rickety, hallelujah. I'm going to make some deliberations tonight (after I tutor) or tomorrow about staying here for a long time.

Earthquake.

I'm safe, not near there. I'm in Sichuan province. Here's an article.

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5ii5FWPpQOwT6X38yOlsbbHKsJYeQ?docId=ed59d1bb70aa403fbba9c08584383db2

HMPH.

No. 48 International Youth Hostel likely isn't sufficient for my
needs. There are hardly any other foreigners here, which I thought
would be a positive challenge for me. But I seriously can't deal with
not having a fucking reliable internet connection. Seriously, wtf.
This is getting on my nerves. My VPN also hasn't worked since the
first day I used it. Fuck you again, Surfbouncer.

鱼狱

Some color.

I'm going to be moving into a hostel right near Xinnanmen Bus
Station... that means I'll be going on several trips soon, probably
next week.

Lazy Day

Chinese Hospitals

As far as my personal health, I've been reinvigorated as of yesterday afternoon. This hospital was one of the most horrifying places I have ever been in my life. It looked like a military ward with rationed supplies... the bed sheets were stained with dried human juice. Even the mattresses were stained and dusty. The walls were filthy. They charge for everything... bed, room type, medicine, everything. The nurses mostly ignore the patients, and none of the employees provide food or change bed pans or catheters. Your family or friends have to do that. I have never seen or imagined anything like it. I can't see how someone with a fatal injury could possibly recover in such a place, especially if you have to be conscious to pay for your own treatment. I don't see how someone without any connections could possibly survive... (No one is required to take the Hippocratic Oath here.) My goal is to never end up in such a place. Ever. The things that were common sense to me as far as hygiene are truly irrelevant. 

I feel quite fortunate to be tutoring a doctor. Regardless, I'll be looking up global health insurance later tonight. 

LUL

Anti-Foreigner Awkwardness

So, this evening (9/2/12) I went with Donald and Jia to get a massage. I've been to the place once before, and it was a pretty relaxed situation. Thinking it probably wouldn't be too crowded and I could just jump in, they only made two reservations for the evening. Today, we got there around 10pm (they close at 12am and open at 8am) and it was actually quite crowded... some of the employees (jokingly?) told Jia that since there probably wouldn't be enough time, maybe she should let the two foreigners go and she could just come back tomorrow. That set the stage for tension. 

Slightly distracted by my phone, I looked up to see Jia and another customer arguing heatedly. She insisted that, no, they weren't giving preferential treatment to foreigners, they had made a reservation. She showed him her phone, which he quite vocally had no interest in. It got even more heated when Donald stood up and told the man (in English) to watch his mouth. When Donald started speaking Chinese, the man tonelessly exclaimed "Wo ting bu dong," like a foreigner... His wife kept hushing him to no avail, and he was just... really embarrassing. The employees ushered each to their massage beds, but the man kept screaming slurs, claiming Jia was just some Chinese wife, this and that bullshit.  I asked, "Is this an example of thin face?" Most certainly it was...

It was such an unpleasant situation to be in. We did get a huge discount for our troubles, which shows me some glimmer of empathy/a conscience within the Chinese-Laowai dynamic... But I do wish the man had been kicked out instead. It's not really my place to ask for so much, though. The Chinese version of a moral panic is really, truly frightening as a foreigner. Here's some other stuff that's been going on in Chengdu:

Censored

August 2012

I have noticed a significant change in China recently. When I first came here I felt welcomed. I can't ever remember feeling in danger or unwanted, but recently that has changed. The other day I was riding my bike in the countryside and a man in a small Chinese brand SUV gave me the finger for no reason; I was riding on the very side of the road, near the curb and there was no other traffic on a 4 lane road. When I got home I didn't think much about it until I came across an article on BeijingCream.com that was about a man from Holland near the Sanliutun Soho building in Beijing who had left work with a Chinese co-worker one night recently and was attacked by four random men who told him to "Go the f&*$ home" as they ran away after beating him. Then I was reading another article, I forget which website it was on, that showed a picture of a group of Chinese at the recent Anti-Japanese demonstration in Chengdu holding up a sign that said something to the extant of "we don't care if there are a few Chinese graves as long as we kill every Japanese." I know this may just be a few people. I have many Chinese friends who are amazing people and would never act in the ways stated above, but I can't help but feel China is changing and not for the better. What are your thoughts?

Censored

August 2012

I think if I speak the reality as my way, this post will be deleted. Don't forget where is here... damn, even the freedom for talking is still far away.

Actually, as a Chinese, I don't agree what they did, and most mistake is from GOV. They just move people's focus to some place else, as the name of "country love", do something really bad.

China still need a long way to walk...

Censored

August 2012

let me preface my response by saying that there are countless things that i love about china and chinese people. that being said, i do feel like it's changed. when i first came to chengdu in 2004 i got stared at with curiosity and even interest. it was strange, but didn't bother me. now i feel like i always get scowls and judgmental looks. what makes me most uncomfortable is that i don't even know what i did to garner this kind of hostile attitude.

a few months ago my 4yo son was surrounded by local children in mcdonald's while they laughed and pointed and gleefully yelled, "laowai! laowai! laowai!" this was a shock and very upsetting to both of us. the same day, believe it or not, when my son took a toy out of the hands of another little boy in the line at wal-mart, his mom went ballistic, even though i immediately intervened, made him give the toy back and say he was sorry. she yelled for several minutes on end, getting in my and my companion's faces and shaking her hand at us and even at my son as if she was about to hit one of us. she was yelling about us being foreigners in sichuanhua and a crowd formed and while i was angry, it wasn't until some men nearby started yelling at us and cursing us for being foreigners that i got scared. not knowing what else to do, i called the police and had them escort us to a taxi as my husband wasn't with us and i just did not feel safe with my son and 20yo relative leaving the store unaccompanied.

i just do not know what to do. more and more i feel like it might be time to move on, but for various reasons, that's not going to be possible for my family for another three years or so. this would have been unimaginable for me to say just three years ago as there are so many things about my life here that i love so much. it makes me sad and depressed and i've been pondering the ramifications of all this for some time.

i think that the main reasons for an increase in this kind of xenophobic behavior are this: inflation is painful for everyone, competition for jobs is increasing, social welfare is a mess to say the least, and the gap between the rich and poor is widening at a frightening rate. add to all this an inability to publicly air grievances, or have them addressed, and laowai scapegoats become easy targets.

just my two cents; i'd be very interested hear others' thoughts and experiences.

       

More Chinese awkwardness.

Sometimes I get so disappointed in myself that I can't be like her, that I can't just pick up an instrument and start playing it like the rest of my family can. Instruments were always a struggle, always a guided practice... never creative for me. I love being able to draw and express myself visually, but sometimes it's just not enough. I want to play my soul, sing my soul, and hear the vibrations escape into the universe. Maybe now is another opportunity to extend my being artistically. I'll start today.