Love, leaving...?

I feel that since I arrived, I haven't been able to turn out anything of substance for this blog. The truth, however, is that I've made some pretty substantial realizations. And I want them so badly to be untrue, so I'm just trying to wait it out... but, only time can let me know if what's in my heart is going to last.

I haven't used any Chinese in days, besides a few necessary phrases. And I don't want to. Of course it's a useful language, but it just isn't one I can fall in love with. Not to mention, being in yet another place (among so, so many) in which no one speaks the standard dialect just hinders my learning. Though I did come here to try to understand language holistically, my frustration is beyond crippling. My entire being is resisting the environment. 

I need to leave Chengdu.

I did speak to someone over the past couple days that's given me the best advice I've heard from anyone outside of myself, that actually inspires me to use my being here to recognize as many opportunities as possible. The opportunities that I will never have at home, the things I can never accomplish even for myself. I've become such a fragmented being in this place, it never once occurred to me to pursue my other joys while I'm here. En route, I somehow managed to change from a costume-designing, somewhat broke eccentric with an intrigue for performance art, into a laowai. It's what defines me here. And the more I focus on the fact that such a status is being ascribed to me (and I hate it), the more I actually become it.   

I guess I need to somehow say: Yes, I'm a foreigner in another country. But I am so much more, and as much as I need to learn about myself, I can't forget that simple fact.

Also, I got a few comments on one of my last posts that I appreciate, but unfortunately can't respond to. Feel free to call/text me if you're in Chengdu: 18081122542. 

           

Haircut and Babar.

I needed a change today, so I went and got my mess cut off; it's not responding well to summer in Chengdu. 

When I first saw Babar in Chinese, I got extremely happy. Then I thought about how amused Grandma would probably be to see something like that, and I almost cried. 

Wtf, Chengdu.

Yikes.

Donald, Jack, and pet stores.

Backed up, but here you go! 

"Wo zhi qiong xuesheng."

Sichuan Home to More than 25,000 Millionaires

The Movies.

I saw The Amazing Spiderman, which I liked a lot. For the first time since I got here, I could forget where I was, and I felt very much at home. It was mostly the same as theaters at home; it had arcade games and snacks, just all switched around. The movie was subtitled in Chinese, and we were required to return to the 3-D glasses (yuck)... or get fined (double yuck). During the movie a kid tried to climb onto the stage in front of the screen, which amused me.  I think I'll go to the movies more often, though. Huzzah. :)     

Rats and McDonald's.

The highlight of my day? Seeing a rat in Donald's apartment. :D The same one that decided to shit in my bed last night before I got home. We were all screaming and jumping onto higher surfaces -- I thought it just might be a big mouse, but NO. Gross, man... We watched it run up the (spiral) stairs and slip through a gap in the ceiling towards the top. We sealed the gap with a few pieces of wood, and we're about to celebrate our victory with some McDonald's. Huzzah. 

Photos: Bland, Shanghai, Roof.

Hello from Chengdu!

...Goddamnit, I can't even take a shower by myself. :( ...water heater
pressure thing wtf.

So, this is the beginning of my third day in Chengdu. I actually
arrived here exactly twelve hours late on Sunday, but I met some
really cool people on the way. I also got two free meals, a shower,
and 400 yuan for my trouble. (Thank you, China Eastern!)

So far, I feel very... disenchanted. I worked so hard to get here, and
I didn't expect anything more than I've already experienced. But I did
feel strong enough to deal with the same old crap in a new way; that
just isn't happening. I'm as frustrated as I was when I left a little
over a year ago. As per expectations, as used to I can get to being
here, no one here will change... not any time soon, anyway.

Many job opportunities are present here, but many people don't have
the proper visa. I have to find the right job within coming months,
...if... if, if, I can stand being here. So far, I don't mind it being
just a visit. Unless I can find some greater meaning within this space
that I haven't already discovered.

I don't have a vpn this trip, so I'm going to email this to myself and
use a friend's computer to post this. That could be a few hours.
Anyway, good night East Coast America. <3

China, Part II.

So... I'm leaving the country again in 13 days. I'm excited, I'm terrified, I don't know what the future holds, but I do know what I want from it. And I know how to get it.

I'm not the best student, but I enjoy learning for my own sake. I know what education I would like for myself, and I don't need a degree to prove it to anyone. However, I find it within my best interests to return and (if possible) teach English in China -- if I can find a place willing to change my visa. Authorities are cracking down on that lately, and there have been a spate of incidents with foreigners in the past couple months. If it doesn't happen, this is just as much a necessary emotional venture.

All in all, though, this is the next step for my education. Grades won't get me far enough, but life experience will. I'm ready to go back to school, and really latch on to mastering another language. I know exactly what I need to avoid this time around, and what to embrace.

We'll be in touch. :)