Gender Identity & Me

There's so much I don't feel like talking about anymore. I've struggled and wrestled for so long trying to get people to understand my existence. They just flat-out don't care.

It's not a matter of lifestyle. It's not a mere matter of perspective, though people frequently decide theirs trumps my own understanding of myself. Someone once told me, "Of course you're depressed -- you have gender identity issues." (I'm just so mentally ill.) It's a constant stream of "It doesn't matter what you say, you'll always be ______ to me." The things I have told people have absolutely shaken them, or they just refuse to process why someone would feel that way. I've considered both surgery and hormone treatment. I've been harassed in bathrooms. Even attacked online for being a transwoman and drunkenly harassed in the early hours of the morning so someone I was previously involved with could have affirmation that I'm not "a man." (Spoiler -- I left that one a cliffhanger. Fuck that guy.) I've lost grounding in my self-esteem because my partner is so straight. I've been rejected so, many, times.

Many of the people that have said these things have had paradigm shifts since saying them -- they might not even remember saying some of it. Meanwhile, this has been a consistent factor of my life. Their were hints growing up that I couldn't yet understand -- since I did finally understand 7+ years ago, this has remained my reality. I'm so used to being who I am I'm still prone to rude awakening from those close to me.

I do not like talking to people or explaining my gender identity because they don't listen, they don't care, or they're so far detached from the rhetoric I'm afraid of being physically hurt. This is a very real issue, realer for transwomen of (obvious) color than me. There is weekly evidence of this.

Every time someone makes some misgendering generalization, I cringe, even though sometimes it's with the best of intentions. The truth is that I'm really not comfortable with "ladies' night" or "girl time" (unless you too are queer and approach it with the same irony) -- I couldn't possibly be okay with men gushing over my overwhelming "womanhood" -- or telling me how I think for (supposedly) having a vagina... hate it most, actually. I stopped defending my femininity a long time ago. Because being "he" or "she" doesn't have more value than being neither. Still I've had people relegate me to object status, refusing to address me directly, referring to me as "that." I really don't want to cater to people like that or fulfill any of their expectations.

And I don't care about anyone's petty devotion to grammar... Language isn't a static entity. We grew up speaking the same language, plus odd new internet and Academia jargon, and it's weird for me too. I'm coping, and I really want to show my fellow queer friends that I value them.

I've never asked anyone to change their language for me. I let people speak based on what's easier for them... As long as I'm true to myself, right? I can't let that go anymore. I justified it because I appreciate both femininity and masculinity, and relate to both he and she. Arguing why I'm not Samuel's "girlfriend" is so, so draining. Finding the exact right term can sometimes take time. I'm going to maintain my fluidity and use whatever pronouns feel right when it's important to me. I know I'm not stupid, ill, or crazy. It's just not something I feel like nailing down like the rest of you... I'm comfortable here.

But very very lonely.

When I ask you to stop referring to me a certain way, please respect that... especially if I anticipate seeing you a lot in the future. I really don't need to feel more isolation than I already do...
We don't take any of this with us when we die. Not our dicks, not our language, nothing. But this is who I am right now.

Last and least importantly, the labels I often identify with are: genderqueer, genderfluid, androgyne, neutrois, lgBTQiA. My preferred pronouns are: they, them, theirs, sie, hir, and Gabe. I'm probably going to start using he, him, and his for a while. Please don't call me: it, that.

If you want to understand more please look these terms up.