"Tangerine Terror"

http://www.theestablishment.co/2016/11/23/what-im-doing-to-get-my-black-ass-ready-for-the-next-4-years/

Gender Identity & Me

There's so much I don't feel like talking about anymore. I've struggled and wrestled for so long trying to get people to understand my existence. They just flat-out don't care.

It's not a matter of lifestyle. It's not a mere matter of perspective, though people frequently decide theirs trumps my own understanding of myself. Someone once told me, "Of course you're depressed -- you have gender identity issues." (I'm just so mentally ill.) It's a constant stream of "It doesn't matter what you say, you'll always be ______ to me." The things I have told people have absolutely shaken them, or they just refuse to process why someone would feel that way. I've considered both surgery and hormone treatment. I've been harassed in bathrooms. Even attacked online for being a transwoman and drunkenly harassed in the early hours of the morning so someone I was previously involved with could have affirmation that I'm not "a man." (Spoiler -- I left that one a cliffhanger. Fuck that guy.) I've lost grounding in my self-esteem because my partner is so straight. I've been rejected so, many, times.

Many of the people that have said these things have had paradigm shifts since saying them -- they might not even remember saying some of it. Meanwhile, this has been a consistent factor of my life. Their were hints growing up that I couldn't yet understand -- since I did finally understand 7+ years ago, this has remained my reality. I'm so used to being who I am I'm still prone to rude awakening from those close to me.

I do not like talking to people or explaining my gender identity because they don't listen, they don't care, or they're so far detached from the rhetoric I'm afraid of being physically hurt. This is a very real issue, realer for transwomen of (obvious) color than me. There is weekly evidence of this.

Every time someone makes some misgendering generalization, I cringe, even though sometimes it's with the best of intentions. The truth is that I'm really not comfortable with "ladies' night" or "girl time" (unless you too are queer and approach it with the same irony) -- I couldn't possibly be okay with men gushing over my overwhelming "womanhood" -- or telling me how I think for (supposedly) having a vagina... hate it most, actually. I stopped defending my femininity a long time ago. Because being "he" or "she" doesn't have more value than being neither. Still I've had people relegate me to object status, refusing to address me directly, referring to me as "that." I really don't want to cater to people like that or fulfill any of their expectations.

And I don't care about anyone's petty devotion to grammar... Language isn't a static entity. We grew up speaking the same language, plus odd new internet and Academia jargon, and it's weird for me too. I'm coping, and I really want to show my fellow queer friends that I value them.

I've never asked anyone to change their language for me. I let people speak based on what's easier for them... As long as I'm true to myself, right? I can't let that go anymore. I justified it because I appreciate both femininity and masculinity, and relate to both he and she. Arguing why I'm not Samuel's "girlfriend" is so, so draining. Finding the exact right term can sometimes take time. I'm going to maintain my fluidity and use whatever pronouns feel right when it's important to me. I know I'm not stupid, ill, or crazy. It's just not something I feel like nailing down like the rest of you... I'm comfortable here.

But very very lonely.

When I ask you to stop referring to me a certain way, please respect that... especially if I anticipate seeing you a lot in the future. I really don't need to feel more isolation than I already do...
We don't take any of this with us when we die. Not our dicks, not our language, nothing. But this is who I am right now.

Last and least importantly, the labels I often identify with are: genderqueer, genderfluid, androgyne, neutrois, lgBTQiA. My preferred pronouns are: they, them, theirs, sie, hir, and Gabe. I'm probably going to start using he, him, and his for a while. Please don't call me: it, that.

If you want to understand more please look these terms up.

My Hair

It's been a long time since I've had hair. Other than a few short-lived exceptions, I've kept my head shaved since 2012, and my hair has been above my ears since 2009. Seven years later, I've decided that I'm ready to grow it out and love it the way I was never able to before. In the years leading up to 2009, my hair was a special hell for me; I would put it in a pony tail and cover it with a scarf every, single, day, because I just didn't want to deal with it ever again. It was not just an inconvenience, but a chain connecting me to the social roles I've been rejecting since my childhood.

I don't call myself a woman, but I can attest to the struggle of women. Not having hair hasn't changed anything. I'm still treated just as badly by strange men, and I still have the same values regarding how I want to be treated. In a way, my appearance is just another tool to achieve my goals and alter people's perceptions of myself and humanity. I don't work very hard to make that happen, it's true, but I'm interested in analyzing how people may respond to me differently. I forgot what it was like before.

On a practical level, hair is a weakness. On an emotional level, I've noticed that people, especially heterosexual men, find it less threatening... Those threatened by my personal decisions can continue to kiss my ass. 

If I can't commit to something as basic and organic as this, I ask myself how could I possibly commit to another person and their own growth? In a way it's symbolic for me. This is all about self-discovery, experimentation. Curiosity.

Until next August, at least.

(And no I will not be getting a shape-up or altering my edges. God.)

Soulmates

Kansas, October 2016

We went to a pumpkin farm. :)

Hiroshima 2016

This was a really intense, emotionally wrenching visit... The museum held the personal effects of so many people. Parts of buildings with people's shadows permanently burned in, bones encased in melted glass, fingers, hair, clothes -- all visibly decimated by the blast. Firsthand accounts of survivors and the pain endured the rest of their lives and those affected while in the womb. Everything you need to see before ever weighing in on nuclear warfare.

I think everyone should visit Hiroshima. Especially Americans.

Emeishan 2016 Pt. 4

From my camera.

Promises

Cecil Hotel, AKA Stay on Main

We somehow ended up staying at the Cecil Hotel last night. Unbeknownst to Samuel's kind friend that booked the room for us, it has a pretty notorious history. If you heard about the 2013 death of Elisa Lam and watched the viral videos, this is the same building where all of that occurred. Just last year in June there was a suicide to add to the already significant list. (Many occurred by jumping.) Based on my research, it's housed at least 3 different murderers -- the two most prominent being Richard Ramirez, the "Night Stalker," and his likely copycat, Jack Unterweger the "Brassiere Strangler." Quite a few people were also found murdered in the hotel.

It's been oft-noted as haunted, though we personally didn't experience anything paranormal. We even stayed on the 7th floor where some gruesome things purportedly went down. The elevator did break down while we were eating breakfast, which was brought to our attention by the long line of firefighters filing through the lobby. It also looked like someone tried to break into the room directly across the hall using a bump key(?). There was a broken fragment left in it while the tenants stared helplessly waiting for management, but it seemed to be resolved the next time we passed by.

But the whole area in general is weird. Gentrification + skid row = a lot of visible activity at all hours of the day. I'm somewhat familiar with that area, but I wouldn't recommend staying in most of DTLA if you have other options.

How I feel about maid cafes.

I could go on and on. But instead, I'll be editing photos from my camera card for you while I'm on the plane. ;)

Kawaii Monster Cafe

Kawaii everything.

Suzukien

Most potent matcha icecream on the planet.

Sliding Down Steps In the Rain

Luxury puppies

Bred for your viewing pleasure.

Ekiben en route to Hiroshima

Om nom nom.

Japanese grocery store

Puri kura!

Today we went to Takeshita Street in Harajuku! I'll make a separate post for that. Until then, enjoy our photo booth experience! Definitely excited to do it again! :)

Just landed in Tokyo!

It's a real city! Like home... At least, from the train it is. :)

Rail pass office was closed but we grabbed our pocket Wi-Fi.

More updates later. Here's some stuff I did on my phone on the plane.

Onward, to Japan! 2016

I'm giddy with excitement. I've wanted to go to Japan since I was around 9 years old. In 6th or 7th grade we had to plan a trip to another country, and I chose Japan -- I was very absorbed in the research. (I was also a weeb for much of my life.) I was always perturbed by how I ended up in China studying Mandarin when one of my original intentions for a major was Japanese. Had I gotten into University of Maryland, things would probably be very different... but here I am now, embracing a hedonistic approach to artistic expression.

Thank you Mrs. Brokenborough for teaching me how to plan a trip and make an itinerary. I've practiced this skill more than you could probably have ever imagined. And thank you to my parents, for the sacrifices that led me to be in such a privileged position. I'm so so so excited. Life is wonderful.

I'm going to be posting more pictures from Thailand in the next few days. It may not seem like it based on my past few posts, but there's a lot to like about Thailand. Pattaya is far from a fair representation of the country as a whole, so I'd really like to share what I've learned with you over the past few days. I do plan on coming back, but it will be very, very different on my part when I do.

Rude.

Tahitian Queen, Pattaya

"Sorry darling, it's a private party" is code for "We're racist." 

Koh Lan Island, Thailand