Arrival in Chongqing, back-pedaling.

Earlier:

On the train from Chengdu to Chongqing. I don't have much battery power (and I insist on listening to music while I can), so I have to type this quickly. This is quite possibly the most beautiful countryside I've seen in China. It's 13:43, and we're traveling at 189 km/h - and climbing. 195. It's 24 degrees celsius. 199. 201.

I'm really, really sad to be leaving Chengdu. But it's not just a three letter word with "really" for emphasis. I've never felt this kind of sadness. I've also never lived anywhere that wasn't Maryland for three months... Just went into a tunnel and I can see better now (but so can the dude next to me).

I haven't practiced Chinese in what's likely been a week and a half. I'm horrible. Or maybe it's the Sichuanhua. Or maybe it's the speaking at a natural pace, and I'm not yet at that level of understanding. I truly empathize with all the exchange students forced to speak E - Holy shit. That was fucking beautiful, but now I'm back in a tunnel. - English.

When I come back, I'm going to study so much harder than I've been doing here (we all say that). I don't know why I can't function at the same pace or consistency as normal people, but I can't stand the thought of getting graded on my brain functions anymore. I can read comprehensively and think critically. I have that ability outside of the classroom, and I think I'd be better off studying on my own, taking cheap classes without being graded. I find my own motivation, and I work harder than anything that isn't assigned to me within unrelenting time constraints (thank you to my flexible professors).
______________________________________
Now:

So I arrived at Tina's hostel. I'm beginning to truly appreciate the connections I have here - were they not so helpful to me, I never would have made it here. I don't even feel accomplished coming to Chongqing. I need constant help. My Chinese is backpedaling. My pronunciation has become terrible, and I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone for help here. I don't even know where I'm eating tonight - it's a completely new culture shock. Like going from L.A. to San Francisco. Metro to BART. Everything is its own all over again. And I'm so hormonal and upset with my current situation, I just don't know what to do with myself for the next week. A foreigner friend told me,

"When you start thinking 'Fuck you and your country, it's time to go home.'" I'm beyond that point. Today I cussed at a clerk after hearing "Ta ting bu dong" (she hear no understand). I just left, I was so frustrated with these multiple women surrounding me, speaking too quickly, laughing me. It's not their fault I don't understand, but I don't even want to speak Chinese right now, much less listen to people speak Sichuanhua. If I could understand this dialect, I would probably feel differently... So I really hope I don't feel so stupid in Beijing. I'm going to try to practice a little especially for it.

When I come home, and ever run into someone who doesn't speak English (how likely is that in this day and age?)... I know exactly how I'll treat them, because I, quite frankly, am tired of this kind of mental suffering and the feelings of inadequacy.